Like Ke Funde

"U love someone
U marry someone else.

The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband

And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"
--------------------------------

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

---------------

Three dreams of a man:


To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

---------------


Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.

---------------

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.


---------------


What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.


---------------

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.

---------------


The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Rubber at the End

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the
stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of
your stick?


That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies,

'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,

we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

Women Are Smarter Than Men

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!


Women's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.


Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep,"
the
wife replied, "in-laws."

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then
turned
to his wife and asked, "What?"

Stupid And Beautiful

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and
so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid
of a mouse?"

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee." The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show
me." So
she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the
top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS".

SPECIAL NOTICE FROM Training Dept.

In order to assure the highest levels of education for our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of


SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in your Department, please come and see any one of the Trainers at once. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our Trainers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.


Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATION EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATION ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since all the Trainers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. Anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.


If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested or rather fit for a job as a Trainer or play a role advising other employees. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).


If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,


BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Why there are no baby planes?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from
Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby
cats,why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty
flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If
dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby
planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on
time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

How come?

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment,then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion."

"Exactly"... Said the Doc.

Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it.What happened is - due to cricket world cup I
scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (Iprefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not
invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never
waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college.
Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most
be related to a Shetaki Mahavidyalaya he he he...

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
tournaments.. It is difficult to concentrate.. So I flunked in
2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These
cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban
it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year,
she was looking for a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in
Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'
education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my
platform then. As you can see I have experience of different
platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages he he he...

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with
a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the
times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to
think that Bench was another software like Windows he he he..

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word
and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International
phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know
few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality',
'version control', 'deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also
I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it
should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects
natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like
to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off
also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short
term
(preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I
prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that
there is a world cup in West ! Indies in 2007,I don't mind going
there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have
many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.

INSTALLING WIFE version 1.0

CAUTION: Extremely Powerful Software. It Controls the
Whole System.

* When installing this s/w, additional s/w like
Mother-in-law 1.0 and

Father-in-law 1.0 will be automatically
installed in ur system.

* Wife 1.0 may detect s/w like Girl friends
1.0,2.0,3.0 etc as viruses and try to uninstall it.

* Do not install Wife 2.0 over Wife 1.0 for this
may corrupt the system.

* Applications like Smoking 5.2, Drinking 6.7 ,
Parties 2.0 may stop working abruptly.

* Service Packs like Jewels 1, Flower 2, Sarees
3may be added for the smooth functioning of Wife 1.0.

* Resources like Time, Money would be occupied
by Wife 1.0.

So Be Careful

Vehicle of life =========

Wife and Husband are like two tyres of a vehicle.
If any one punctures vehicle cannot move further.
So intelligent men always carry a stepney with them.

Proof: Work Makes You Mad

Work = Force x Distance

W=FD

According to Newton,
Force = Mass x Acceleration

F=MA

By Substitution,
Work = Mass x Acceleration x Distance

Work = MAD

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.Be prepared for my mood.


2: I'm not really out of the office.I'm just ignoring you.


3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.If I was in,chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that,I may be promoted to management.


5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


6: Thank you for your email.Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


7: The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return,you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).


8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.


10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.Please wait by your PC for my response.


11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.


12: I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :


13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Dear Boss

People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
make less mistakes

People who do no work...
make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.

>20 gr8 thoughts

> > ===================================================
> > Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
> > them while driving.
> > ====================================================
> > Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes
> > you are a referee.
> > =====================================================
> > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> > always right and the other is the husband!
> > =====================================================
> > They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I
> > tried - but they wanted cash.
> > ==================================================
> > A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
> > you've purchased new school uniforms.
> > ====================================================
> > Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
> > =================================================
> > Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry
> > the one you cannot live without...
> > but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
> > ===================================================
> > You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
> > ===================================================
> > True friends stab you in the front.
> > ====================================================
> > Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for
> > hurting me.
> > =================================================
> > Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not
> > vote.
> > ====================================================
> > Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
> > before you get tired
> > =================================================
> > My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
> > she agrees with me.
> > =================================================
> > Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to
> > others.
> > =================================================
> > Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
> > =================================================
> > It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his
> > job, he still ends up with the same boss.
> > =================================================
> > They call our language the mother tongue because the
> > father seldom gets to speak.
> > =================================================
> > Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents
> > have done it for you.
> > =================================================
> > Wise men talk because they have something to say;
> > fools talk because they have to say something
> > =================================================
> > Real friends are the ones who survive transitions
> > between address books

What else it means?

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

***********
Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

***********
Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

***********
Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

***********
Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

***********
Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

***********
Compromise:

The art of piding a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

***********
Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

***********
Dictionary:

A place where porce comes before marriage.

***********
Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

***********
Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

***********
Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

***********
Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

***********
Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

***********
Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

***********
Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

***********
Committee:

Inpiduals who can do nothing inpidually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

***********
Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

***********
Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

***********
Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

***********
Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

***********
Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

***********
Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

***********
Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

***********
Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

***********
Father:

A banker provided by nature.

***********
Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

***********
Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

***********
Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

***********
Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Smartness of words...

1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Long back,
a person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
fogot laughter were called
"Saints"

But now they are called..
"IT professionals"


2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off"

3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..
Its just that,
One loves too much,
and

The other loves too many,

4 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!

5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Philosophy of life

At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new
and
Just few hours left for your exams..!

7 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jus4Fun
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..! How about this card, it says "To the only Girl I ever loved.!"
Boy: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!

9 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an opening for you..!
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee...
..... Leave them to us

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Female Software Programming

Struct female_professional s
{double styles;
Short skirts;
Long time_to_understand_ problems;float mind;
Void knowledge;
Char non_co-operative;}


Struct married_females
{double weight;
Short tempered;
Long gossip;
Float hopes;
Void word;
Char unstable;}


Struct engaged_females
{double time_on_phone;
Short attention_on_ work;
Long boast;
Float on_cloud_nine;
Void understanding;
Char edgy;}


Struct newly_married_ females
{double dinner_invitation;
Short time_at_work;
Long lunch_break;
Void bank_balance;
Char hen_pecked;}


Struct husband_wife_ professionals
{double income;
Short tempered;
Long time_no_see_ each_other;
Void love_life;
Char money_making;}


Struct beautiful_city_ girl
{double boyfriends;
Short affairs;
Long stories;
Void greymatter;
Char flirt;}


Struct old_lady
{double chin;
Short memory;
Long sighs ;
Void attention_from_ men;
Char chatterbox;}

Boys and Girls using ATM

Boys :

1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Girls :

1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake
47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she was because of HIM.

What does Egret taste like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"
"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

Killer English!!!

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette...? "

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Class teacher once said :

“Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Once Hindi teacher said...."I’m going out of the world to America.."



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK...”



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Dont...Laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered... She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Teacher in a furious mood...

Write down ur name and father of ur name!!



************ ********* ********* ********* ****





"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"





************ ********* ********* ********* ****



"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"



************ ********* ********* ************ *



LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



"Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"



************ ********* ********* ********* ****



Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computers how understand??


************ ********* ********* ********* *****



Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class...

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
__._,_.___

Don't copy if you can't paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.... ....

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went mad with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....... and I can't remember who she was !"

Moral: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Aquainted

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.

A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.

She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again.

But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time.

She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt.

He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."

Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we are aquainted."

Cute SMS

January to December
Sunday to Saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed.......
U....
R....
Always....
A HEADACHE to me !!!!


When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
The world seems to be fading away,
Come along with me
I'll take u an eye specialist !!


If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage


During Marriage ceremony why are you made to sit on the horse ?
You are given your last chance to run away.


Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds......
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
Fool............


I wrote ur name on the sands.............
It got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air..........................
It got blown away,
So I wrote ur name in my heart.............

I got a HEART ATTACK


LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... Continues with smoke.....and ends in
Ashes...
But don't worry - we are chain smokers


Ur smile can be compared to a flower
Ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
Ur innocence to a child
But in stupidity
U have no comparison
U r the best


True love is like a pillow
U can hug when u r in trouble
U can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
So when u need true love
Spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow



Dear Friend,

When I ask u flower,
U give me bouquet
When I ask u a stone
U give me a statue
When I ask u a feather
U give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?



I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!


When I call u;
1 ring means I'm thinking of u;
2 ring means I like u;
3 means I miss u;
4 means .........pick d phone idiot


Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. Change it to
Exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !


The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
It functions 24hrs 365 days.....
It functions right from the time u r Born.... Until you fall in love


SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..


History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, I am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....


Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age Hitler had commited suicide

LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS

The result

Markets silent

Streets empty

The police at rest

All mobile companies in loss

No SMS

No Flowers

No Valentine

No Candles

No Perfumes

All the men directed to Heaven.

~~~IdiOt awarDs~~~

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

English Conversation

"This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president
Bill Clinton...

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should
say," I'm fine, and you?" No w you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we,
translators, will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton , he
mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was
a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's
husband, ha-ha...." Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha.."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room........ ......... "


* Not sure of how far it's true, but nevertheless it's funny.

Lighter side of Poems........

Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
then ~ I wrote your name on my heart And I got a heart attack straight away

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
God saw me hungry, HE created pizza.
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When your life is in darkness, pray to God
ask him to free you from darkness
and if after you pray,
you're still in darkness,
Please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!

ALL TIME BEST 50 JOKES

1 A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

2 Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

3 Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

4 Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

5 Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

6 Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.

7 Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

8 Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

9 Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

10 Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

11 Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

12 A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

13 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

14 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

15 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

16 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

17 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

18 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said other.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

19 Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

20 Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

21 What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

22 Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"


23 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

24 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

25 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

26 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician

27 Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"


28 How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

29 once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

30 Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. "
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
(What Happened, My Son?)


31 The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!

32 Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .
because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

33 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mai Job.

34 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.

35 Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

36 .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

37 A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

38 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

39 Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya
hoga....???

40 Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

41 Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a erson asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

42 Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
52
43 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

44 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born




45 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

46 Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

47 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

48 Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
Follows."

49 Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..

50 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense

Jobs n Jokes

• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
•
• If you can stay calm, while all around you are in chaos
...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
•
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
•
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
•
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
•
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
•
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
•
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
•
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
•
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
•
• Succeed in spite of management.
•
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
•
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Unbelievable statements by lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are
things attorneys actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters ,who had to suffer from the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.

The last one is the best ..

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.

Mystery in ICU

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ..... as to why the deaths at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits ... Just then, when the clock struck 11...

Phil, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner!!!!!!!

The 4-year holiday called engineering

20 things common to all engg colleges:

1). The lecturers dont teach.The students dont study.The only guy who benefits is the one who owns the 'dhaba' next to the college.

2).Rules are made to be broken.

3).Promises are made to be broken.

4).Deadlines are made to be extended...ALWAYS!

5).Guys always think the chics in the college next lane are more beautiful.

5).The geeks are the most pampered lot during the internal exams.

6).The lab assistants are the most respected people(during the lab exams i.e)

7).The watchmen are the people most bribed.

8).The HOD is the person most respected(heights of sycophancy here).

9).The principal is the person most abused and insulted(behind the back i.e)

10).Dropping subjects is 'cool'.(arre yaar..drop the idea of dropping subjects plzz).

11).There is always a lecturer in the college who cant speak proper 'english'.

12).Night-out is the second most important tool to ace the exams.

13).The most important tool..the bhramastra..is the 'chit' in which the words can be understood only by the person who wrote them(in most of the cases i.e)

14).The freshers are the most sought after..be it in the canteen,the 'free' periods or for completing the records,assignments.

15).The second-years are the ones with the 'I am the don-of-the-college' feeling.

16).The third years are the ones with the 'so-many-backlogs' feeling and the poor souls get down to studying after bossing around in the college for so long.but the fun still continues.(I gave 22 exams last year!!).

17).The fourth years have no connection with the college whatsoever...with no interest in ragging,pulling each other`s legs,the bday parties,the bday bums et al which they enjoyed so much till now.All they want is a good placement and a '1st-class' tag attached to their memo.

19).The first three years are spent in cursing the college,the people there,the system et al.

20).But towards the end of the fourth year,people tend to feel nostalgic abt the pure unadulterated fun they have had for 4 years.Now the very system they disliked,the very canteen they cursed,the time that they spent there,the bday bums they suffered..all these seem like heaven to them.

Son of an SE

SIMON SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born"?
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secure server room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!

How to slim down without doing exercise?

Snippet taken from cognizant online discussion forum

Topic
How to slim down without doing exercise?

Question
Is there any way to slim down without doing any exercise as it is not possible to exercise in the morning hours?

Answer
I would suggest just a very easy exercise. Just turn your head towards your left and then to your right. Do this 2 to 3 times whenever someone offers you food.

Men who ruled their women

One day,there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures
on Earth to die. To sort things out,everyone went to heaven.
God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women onEarth and the other line
for the men who were ruled by theirwomen. Also, I want all the women to go
with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone
and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled bytheir women was 1,000 miles long, and
in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image and you wereall whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them, my son, how did you manage tobe the only one in this line?"



The man replied, "I don't know,my wife asked me to stand here."

Love Marriage v/s Arranged Marriage

Love Marriage

Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.

Family system hangs because hardware (called parents) is not responding.

You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.

Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.

Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.

Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash....


Arranged Marriage

Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.

Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible

Compatible with hardware (Parents).

You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.

All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.

Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!

Arranged Marriage is like Unix... boring n colorless... still extremely reliable n robust.

Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."

Role of Hindu Gods in IT

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira
ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
-------------------------------
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife
doesn't know about it yet."

Husband & Wife - Why ?
----------------------
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
Why, Dad ?
Why,me?
Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service
-----------------------------
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor.
"You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
-----------------------------------
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
-------------------------------
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him ?"
asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

LITTLE JOHNY

TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
L-JOHNY: George!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY! : Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same
time."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
L-Johnny: Brotherly love.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher: What do you call a person who ! keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
L-Johnny : A teacher

Gift-English girl

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring foryou?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for -- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl"

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Blonde in the car

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Men's Attitude

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirms that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he is still there with them!

Tech Support

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to re place it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
! the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

Heavenly Communications:

An old man was sitting in a park reading the book 'Learn C in 21 days'.

A paserby saw him and asked, "at your age, why are u trying to learn C?"

"I've heard that the communcation language used in Heaven is only C, and I don't want to face any communication problems when I go there, " the old man replied.

"But how are you so sure that you will go to Heaven? You could land up in Hell as well, "the passerby asked.

"Ya doesn't matter... I already know Java".

HOW A HR MANAGER COULD WRITE A LOVE LETTER.....

Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 3 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
HR Manager

TWO WOMEN TALKING

TWO WOMEN TALKING:
=================

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. ......................
...........................................
...
...
...
...
...
...

NOW TWO MEN TALKING
===================

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

A few good Jokes

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?

Ted: $10.

Teacher: You don't know Maths.

Ted: You don't know my father!



Mother: David, come here.

David: Yes, mum.

Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.



Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?

Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8

Father: So?

Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.

On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?



Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love



Man: How old is your father?

Boy: 1 year older then me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born



Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!



Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!



Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: Singapore , Sir.

Teacher: Which part?

Student: All of me, Sir.Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.Teacher: Use your dad's then.Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did you get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do you mean 'under water'?"" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"

Moron jokes!!

Moron: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend : Why Moron:
Got upper berth.
Friend why did you not changed
Moron :Oye, there was nobody to exchange the lower birth.

Moron tells a girl "Come to my house at nite, nobody will be there............. Girl goes at night and really nobody was there

Moron went to a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for filling up.
You know why FORM say " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

A Moron invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was?
He opened a Hair Cutting Saloon in Punjab!

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India After every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Moron stands up- we must find that woman and stop her immediately!.

Moron-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Moron-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running 19

MoronS WENT TO SEE A FILM. ON ASKING THEM THEY CAME IN A BIG GROUP OF 19? THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

Moron was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

One Moronji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Moron jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not Santa

Moron found the answer to the most difficult question ever
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

Moron wins 20 Crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 Crore after deducting tax.
Angry Moron: "Give me 20 Crores or else return my 20 Rs back.!

Moron proposed a Girl......
Girl said 'I'm 1 Year elder to you'...........
Moron said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

Moron & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Moron says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
Moron says hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10

Moron's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab.
Local Morons have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

A man asked Moronji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Moronji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Moronji was standing in front of the mirror with hiseyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing ? He said- I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

The Suicide

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says " If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die "

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"

Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch.

Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch " The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!

Rajnikanth's Theory of Physics-Vol III

Wonder is Woman

[1] When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

[2] The average man's life consists of:Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

[3] A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
"If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and killyou."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one morestep a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[4] Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as herfather escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father bybride.The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on himto divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of mylife." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him andcontinued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

Newton's laws for engineers

Law -1.
Every Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

Law -2.
The rate of change in the Work is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate when deadline force is applied.

Law -3.
For every appraisal there is an equal but opposite Work Implementation.

Bonus Law -4.
Mistakes can neither be created nor be removed from drawings by an engineer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of mistakes in the drawing always remains constant.

Student & Teacher Jokes

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

And the best one for the day
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Humour Time

[1] No Love Bite
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
----------------------
[2] Travel Specials
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.
He told me I would fly from New York to London.
Then from Tokyo back to New York.
I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"
He told me "That is why we give you 21 days."
----------------------
[3] Return of Wife
A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary.
The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"
He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."
The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?"
He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."
----------------------------------
[4] Engineers
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons,
Civil engineers build targets.
-----------------------------------------------
[5] Call Back Later
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".
--------------------------------------------
[6] Wish Comes True
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "