Monday, December 8, 2008

Life after death

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"



EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.



BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."



EMPLOYEE : "Eeishh..."

Some One Liners

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

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Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband!

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I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

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Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

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Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.


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You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

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True friends stab you in the front.

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Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

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Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

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Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

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Ladies first; Pretty ladies sooner.


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Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

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Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

Judgement for a school teacher

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.


A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said.

"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times

Stepping on ducks

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven.



When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!"



So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their

best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.



Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.



St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a

duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"



The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first

woman.



The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for

all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you

for all of eternity?"



The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Extreme ends...

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopt a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.





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Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence..





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Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool

discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.





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Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.





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If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,

then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.





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The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.





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The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.





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An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.





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Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.





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All great discoveries are made by mistake.





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Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.





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Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.





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All's well that ends.





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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.





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The first myth of management is that it exists.





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A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.





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New systems generate new problems.





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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.





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We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.





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Any given program, when running, is obsolete.





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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.





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A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.





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The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.





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Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.





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Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.





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The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.





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To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.





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After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.





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Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts

which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.





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A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.





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If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.





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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.





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Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."





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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,

humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.





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If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.





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The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.





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In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday.

The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.





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Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.





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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.





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The only perfect science is hind-sight.





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Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.





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If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.





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If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.





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When all else fails, read the instructions.





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If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.





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Everything that goes up must come down.





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Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.





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Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.





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Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.





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The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.





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Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.