Thursday, August 28, 2008

Telephone bill - this is a classic !!!

The phone bill was exceptionally high and
the man of the house called a family meeting...
On a Saturday morning...
after breakfast...

Dad:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.


Mum:
Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.


Son:
Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.


Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!


Source: FFO

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

New Theory about Women :


1. To find a woman you need time and money therefore:
women = time x money ............@

2. " Time is money " so
time = money ...........................@

3. Therefore:
women =money x money
women = ( money )^2 ............@

4. "Money is the root of all problems "
money = ( problems )^1/2 ......@

5. Therefore:
women = (problems)^2/2

And the final conclusion is

-------------------------------
women = problems
-------------------------------


Hey girls out there, this is just for fun,
Now don't get angry and create any problem to prove that this theory is correct....

Monday, August 25, 2008

logical

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

First night of the marriage

There is a general feeling in the public that IIT students are found unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare no better in this respect. So let us see what a Non IITain may face when he marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.


CHARACTERS: IIT Bride and Non IIT Groom.


The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what would be her reaction...


GIRL FROM DEPT OF PHYSICS:

Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips. How do you prefer?

The guy faints


GIRL FROM DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions :
Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zerO and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property.
Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.


GIRL FROM CS (Computer Science):

You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optimize the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?

The guy applies for divorce.


GIRL from EE (Electronics Engineering):

So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event (of kissing) is less. Hence take care. If you want a successful communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!
The guy is found hanging from fan next day.

Call to MD

Our hero - just out of college - joined a big Multi National Company
as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,
"Abey ! Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouted back,
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No." replied the Managing Director.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone!

The accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.

I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

God calls...

God called a meeting of Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates and said:
"I've given you all the tools you needed to make a better world -
you've blown it and I'm ending the world in two weeks."

Bill Clinton went on TV and said :
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists.
The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks."

Boris Yeltsin called his advisors together and said :
"I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God exists.
The really bad news is that the world will end in two weeks."

Bill Gates called his co-workers together and said :
"I have good news and really good news.
The good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most powerful people in the world.
The really good news is that we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows XP."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

SCIENTISTS PLAY...

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven............
They decide to play hide-n-seek.........

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........

He is supposed to count up to 100...

and then start searching.....

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein...........

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........

Einstein says "newton's out..newton's....out....."
Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims that he is not Newton......

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton..........

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That
makes me Newton per meter squared...... since one Newton per meter
squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT..........

Sent by: Karthick Rajendran

Friday, August 22, 2008

Mistakes are allowed only once...

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by Rs.200.

He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.

At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by Rs.200.

Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. 'Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque.'

'And how do you figure that? his employer asks.

'It seems I've been underpaid by Rs.200.'

'Ja, so?'

'No disrespect Sir, but I want my money.'

'Last month I overpaid you by Rs.200 and you didn't complain so why now?

'Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something'

Marketing

This is a conversation that took place between a person(Y) in the public and a marketing guy(X).
X: Which shaving cream do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which aftershave do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which deodorant do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which toothpaste do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which shampoo do you use?

Y: Baba's



X(Frustrated): O.k. tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international company???



Scroll down!!!


























































































































































































































































Y: No, He is my roommate.

IT Fun

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks a single woman cannot deliver a
baby in nine months.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine
babies in one month.

4) Marketing manager is a person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and woman is available or not.

5) Resource optimization team thinks I don't need a man or woman, I'll still produce a child with zero resources.

6) Documentation team thinks I don't care whether the child is delivered, I'll just document 9 months.

7) QA Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby and expects to produce the baby as Automated test scripts..


and the last one but not least..



8) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

most romantic first line...

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you *** up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Applause...

On a wild night , two brunettes stumble weary and frostbitten into their Mount Everest base camp. Tearfully, one explains that their 10 climbing companions- all blondes- are dead. Fitfully, she explains how an accident occurred, whereby the dozen women had found themselves clinging to a rope hanging from a crumbling ledge.

"We knew the rope wouldn't hold for long," says the second brunette. "We agreed that, because we two were the lowest on the rope,we'd sacrifice ourselves to give them a chance."

"True heroism!" said the base camp director. "But what happened?"

"Well," she says. "Just as we were about to let go, the blondes gave us a spontaneous round of applause..."

Red Roses

There was a boy in high school we will call Joey. One day Joey leaned over to the girl sitting next to him in class and whispered, "Red roses."

The shocked girl stood up, slapped Joey in the face and went crying to the teacher. The teacher called Joey to the desk and asked what he had said.

Red roses" was Joey's reply, at which the teacher screamed and sent poor Joey to the principal's office.

As Joey waited in the lobby to be called in, he pondered what was happening to him. His thoughts where cut short by the sound of the secretary saying he could go in. Joey walked into the office and was told to take a seat, which he did.

After telling the story of how he had been wrongly accused and how he knew there was some mistake, the principal smiled and asked, "OK, Joey, I understand. What did you say to her?" Joey was sure the principal would be a reasonable man and responded "Red roses." you could watch as the principal turned red and shouted "YOU'RE EXPELLED! GET OUT!"

Joey asked to wait for the bus to take him home, since he lived some distance away. "NO!" Then Joey was informed that if he were caught on the premises again, he would be arrested for trespassing.

Very distraught, Joey set out on his way home. He had made it about a mile down the road when Old Man Jones, the local pig farmer, stopped and offered a ride home. Joey, being very upset, of course, accepted the ride.

Not more than a mile down the road, Old Man Jones asked why Joey wasn't in school, so Joey told the story of the events that had happened that day. At the end of the story, the old man said that it sounded like Joey had quite a rough time of it "Oh, and what did you say?" Joey hesitated-- should he tell the man what he said, or not? He decided to
tell him. "Red roses."

The tires squealed as the truck ground to a halt.Old Man Jones reached over and opened the door and pushed Joey out on his ear.

Now very angry, Joey got up, brushed himself off, and continued on his way home. Upon arriving at home, Joey's mother, Mrs. Campbell, saw that her son wasn't looking too good, and asked why he hadn't caught the bus. Joey told her. She fixed Joey a bowl of soup and then asked, "Joey,
dear, what on earth did you say to that little girl?" Joey wasn't sure what to do. He knew his mother loved him, but he didn't want her to have the same reaction everyone else had. But he told her anyway. "Red roses."

Joey waited in his room with a bruised ego and a sore bottom, wondering what would happen when his father got home. Six o'clock came around and Joey's father got home. He could hear his parents arguing outside his door and then suddenly it was quiet. Mr.. Campbell came into the room and said,
"Your mother told me you had some trouble at school, but I told her you and I would figure it out.

But the first thing is you have to tell me what you said." "OK, Dad, I said red roses'," was Joey's response. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU"RE NO SON OF MINE!"

The next morning, Joey decided he needed to get a job. It was awhile before he found anyone who would hire a 15-year-old who had been expelled from high school and kicked out of the house. But Joey wasn't a quitter, and he did find a job working at a gas station in a neighboring town. After a few months, Joey had managed to get settled in his new job and had even moved into the apartment over his boss' garage.

On a particularly slow day at work Joey's boss asked what had happened that caused everything that had happened to happen. Joey went into along story of emotional stress,misunderstood youth, the pain of having lost all of his friends and family in one fateful day. The tale Joey spun was so powerful; his boss was moved to tears and, out of compassion, offered to adopt Joey.

With the firstsmile to cross his lips in months, Joey accepted. On the way to the court proceedings a few days later, Joey's boss asked him, "Exactly, what did you say to her?" Without thinking, Joey replied, "Red roses." His boss grew as white as a ghost and said, "That was my niece, you little pervert!"

Once again, Joey was without a friend in the world. The next day Joey took all the money he had managed to save and bought a bus ticket "to wherever the *** place from here is."

As he waited for his bus, a little old lady sat down next to him on the bench. Even though he didn't want to, she started talking, and before you knew it, she had heard almost the whole story. But she interrupted and asked what he had said."Ma'am, I said 'red roses'."

Well, the words were just barely out of his mouth when she started beating him with her cane.

In order to flee the fury of the old woman, he ran across the road, but he never made it to the other side. He was hit by a speeding Mack truck and he died.

The moral of this story is:

Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Always tell your wife the truth.

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some coke.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

"Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You God damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"

Morale of the story:

Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

12 Tips from Employees to Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to perform miracles routinely and opening doors with my teeth is excellent training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Consequences of American Lifestyle:

A wife comes screaming into the room and yells at her husband "honey,come out soon, ur children & my children are beating up our children!!"

Tech Support

REQUEST:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.



REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about!

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !


WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

What's a tragedy ?

In one class, George Bush asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".
"No," Bush says, "That would be an accident."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Bush, "that is what we would call a great loss."
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Bush, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says:
"If an airplane carrying Bush was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy".
"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

Thursday, August 21, 2008

SHOCKING TELEGRAMS

TELEGRAM #1


A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :

"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife :

"I wish you were here." The message received by wife:

"I wish you were her."

TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter , while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

TELEGRAM #4

A man from Agra went to Ajmer . His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi . When the man went to Ajmer , he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer .
He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written:
'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).

Uduravana

1) Uduravana, Rupavahini & Hidden cameras

Mrs. Uduravana caught her husband Mr. Uduravana searching high and low all around his living room.

Mrs. Uduravan: "What are you searching for?"

Mr. Uduravan: "Hidden cameras!"

Mrs. Uduravan: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Mr. Uduravan: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching Rupavahini channel'. How does he know that?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(2) Uduravana Relaxing!

Mr. Uduravana was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.

A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" - Uduravana answered, "No, I am Uduravana"

Another guy came and asked him the same question.- Uduravana answered, "No! No! Me Uduravana!"

A third one came and asked him the same question again. - Uduravana was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sri Lankan soaking in the sun.He went up to him and asked,
"Are you Relaxing?"

The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Uduravana slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(3) Uduravana in Heaven


Mr. Uduravana died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Mr. Uduravana thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though
it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Uduravana replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(4) Mr. Uduravana & Wash Basin


Mr. Uduravana goes to a hotel in Colombo and eats heartily.

After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.

The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Uduravana, what are you doing?"

Mr. Uduravana replies, "Oye, see the board here, "Wash Basin".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(5) Uduravana's English Exam

Mr. Uduravana finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he did his exam. He replied
"Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(6) Uduravana : Questions in brief

Mr. Uduravana is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions here," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief'.

How to catch the lion...

Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.For every action there is equal
and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.Due
to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run
faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it
easily.

Schroedinger Method:
At any given interval of time ,the probability for
the lion is to be inside the cage.So wait for the lion.
You can catch the lion easily.

Inverse transformation Method:
First you get into the cage and let be the lion outside
the cage.Now take a inverse transform and the lion
will be inside the cage and you will be out of the cage.

Integration Method:
Integrate the whole forest with respect to the lion.
Now the lion will be some where inside the forest
and so you can easily cath the lion.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven
that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell
that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to
accept that its a Lion.

Banta̢۪s Method:
You don̢۪t even do any tricks to catch the lion.
Just go into the forest the lion will catches you.



Now lets kill the lion...

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in
fear itself.

Ramarajan Method :
Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will
die not withstanding that heavy weight.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and
kill it,while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the
lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep
murmuring something in its ears. The lion
will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness
fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in
to the forest followed by another lion. First lion
loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the
2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now
send another lioness(third) into the forest. You don't
understand right...? ok....read it after 15 yrs, then
also u wont !

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a
good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. !

Menaka Gandhi method:
save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
vegetables Continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot it!!!

Rahul dravid method:
Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and
score 1 run.The lion will surely get tired and it will die.

Spell the word

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:

"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see
you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

iPrayer

You know what; owing to the increasing number of prayers and requests to GOD...HE has started a new call centre...


called HEAVENLY PARADISE...more details below.



Enjoy this................................



**********



Imagine what would happen if GOD installed Voice Mail in Heaven



When you pray, you'd get this response:



"Hi ,Thank you for calling Heaven. If you want to speak to



Lord Ganesha - Press 1



Lord Shiva - Press 2



Lord Krishna - Press 3 ( Sorry, he is Busy with " Gopiyan " )



For a Directory of other Gods / Goddess - Press 4



For Further Assistance from Menka / Pari / Angels Press 9 .



You press 1 and get connected to Ganeshji and hear the following
message:



If you want to make a request - Press 5



For complaints / Grievances - Press 6 ( Seldom works )



For thanks giving - Press 7



For any thing else - please press 8 and wait for the Customer Support Angel to talk to you



If you would like to hear Naradji singing Bhajan while you are
holding ! Press *



After a few minutes comes the following message: " Our records show
that you have already prayed once today .



Please try again tomorrow . Meanwhile , if you require any emergency
assistance, please contact our offshore Customer Support Executive

What it feels like?

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

The Gift

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you
listen to me. I wanna you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You listen me. Some day you gonna be run da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots of
money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

"Some day you gonna come home and maybe find you wife in a bed with another man. "What you gonna do then... point to your watch and say, Times Up?"

Work!!!

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say..........

----------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

----------------------------------------------------

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

----------------------------------------------------

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

----------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 17, 2008

OPPORTUNITY....

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temper , killing him instantly.He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

Moral: When Opportunity knocks.... MAKE USE OF IT !!!!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Smart father-in-law!!!!

A Quality Engineer married an average girl…
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally Engineer got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS".
The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Two small kids...

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. "


("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!